"My name is Friday." said the turtle.
If I wasn't freaked out enough already, the turtle told me that I should open the letter. In it there was a drawing of 2 drama masks and a set of instructions in French and a thick big book. Yes, it was a big envelope...
"My civilization sent your civilization our most important theatre play. It is essential that you read it out loud right now!" said the turtle anxiously.
THE MYSTERIOUS PASSING OF ELMER, THE ONE EYED FISH
Characters:
Turtle
Elmer,the one-eyed fish (in absence)
Investigator
Neighbour
Smart-Arrow
Human girl
ACT 1
Investigator: What's your name and where do you live?
Turtle: I am Friday and I live on Jupiter. I moved here after I turned 136.
Investigator: Where did you previously live?
Turtle: I lived on Earth in the Atlantic Ocean. That's where I met Elmer. It was love at first sight.
Investigator: And you came to Jupiter together?
Turtle: Yes, we did...And now I am all alone. (cries)
Investigator:Why did Elmer return to Earth?
Turtle: He didn't. He never wanted to return to Earth. All the fishing... it's horrible out there!
Investigator: Yes, he did. We found his body on London Bridge in England.
Turtle:(shocked) No way! I thought you said he died in a fire caused by an electrical problem.
Investigator:(flustered) Well... he did...on Earth.
Turtle:... I...I don't know what to say...
Investigator: So you didn't know he had left Jupiter?
Turtle: Well...obviously not.
Investigator: So... were you having problem with your relationship?
Turtle:(revolted) No,wait! We were just friends!
ACT 2
Turtle:(crying) I can't believe this happened to my poor Elmer. Him... on Earth... from all the places in this Universe, he died on Earth...
Neighbour: You should stop worrying about that. You are going to get wrinkles... more than you already have...
Turtle: But I want to know what happened to my best friend. I think I should go to Earth and see what really happened to the poor fish.
Neighbour: And what are you going to do? You are not going to start riding shooting stars at your age...are you?
Turtle: Well...That's exactly what I am going to do!
Neighbour: Outrageous... simply... it's not done! My dear, you are insane.(leaves)
ACT 3
(turtle picks herself up with difficulty after having crash landed)
Turtle: Oh dear, riding a shooting star was more of an adventure than I thought. I hope I haven't cracked my shell... I really can't stand a draught at my age...
(pulls out an arrow from inside her shell and talks to it)
Turtle: Smart Arrow, where are we?
Smart Arrow: We are on planet Earth in England, in London. We are in an apple garden. We are in a heap of leaves. We are--
Turtle: Ok, I got it! I can see we are in an apple garden. I am not that old. But my question is: why am I seeing apples on the trees? I thought we were supposed to arrive here in winter.
Smart Arrow: We arrived faster because we are lighter.
Turtle: What do you mean?
Smart Arrow: The system crashed because of Flappy Bird.
Turtle: Who is Flappy Bird? Is that a new gadget? Or is it a pet? Wait... I don't have any pets... What happened?
SmartArrow: Because of Flappy Bird the system crashed and we lost all our luggage in space.
Turtle: So I don't have anything ?
Smart Arrow: Well... you have me... and Flappy Bird.
Turtle: Ok... I shouldn't get angry now... I will get wrinkles. I just have one question: Who or what is Flappy Bird?
Smart Arrow: Flappy Bird is a game that I downloaded.
Turtle: So it is all your fault that I don't have anything anymore...
Smart Arrow: Yeap...
Turtle:And that I am stuck on Earth with an annoying gadget..
Smart Arrow: Yeap... heeey!
Turtle: Anyway... Can you help me find out what happened to Elmer?
Smart Arrow: I suppose so... I don't have anything else to do. I am stuck on Earth with an annoying fossilized turtle.
Turtle: You know I can turn you off, right?
Smart Arrow: Noooo! Do not close me! I am going to lose my high scores on Flappy Bird. You have no idea how hard is to make that bird fly.
Turtle:Ah, there you go! Now you will listen.
Smart Arrow: So... What is the location of the body?
Turtle: London Bridge, England.
Smart Arrow: London Bridge, England. We will investigate that! Which way is it?
Turtle: Where is it?! SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? Don't you have Gurgle maps, GPS... stuff like that?!
Smart Arrow: I did but...
Turtle: Flappy Bird, right?!
Smart Arrow: Maybe.
Turtle: I don't know... big stone bridge with a castle or something...
Smart Arrow: Castle, right. This way!
ACT 4
Turtle: You are pointing at a heap of rocks. Am I supposed fly over them?
Smart Arrow: No... that's the castle.. well, a castle... well, it was a castle. According to Wikipedia, it was struck by lighting and destroyed by fire.
Turtle: Destroyed by fire? Elmer died in a fire. It is not in London but we should take a look.
Smart Arrow: I don't know... It looks dangerous. If anything happens to me I will lose..
Turtle: Your high scores... I know. Now could you please turn on your flashlight before I shut you down and you DO lose your high scores?
Smart Arrow: Flashlight on!
(After a while, the turtle is struggling to pick up a giant book from the floor)
Turtle: Look, Smart Arrow, I found something. Oh my God, it has Elmer's picture on the cover! Oh, but it is written in... what is this... Humanish?
Smart Arrow: No. It is actually English.
Turtle: Well can you translate it on Gurgle Translate?
Smart Arrow: I can't.
Turtle: Flappy Bird... What can this bird do?
Smart Arrow: Basically... nothing. It can't even fly.
Turtle: Well, that's it then. I will ask a local to read it out for me.
Smart Arrow: Good ideea. Just tell them you can't read and --
Turtle: I can't do that. They will think that I am stupid.
Smart Arrow: Well, you are.
Turtle: If your name is Smart Arrow that doesn't mean that you are smart, you know...
Smart Arrow: No... but I am smarter than you.
Turtle: Maybe... Before Flappy Bird. No. Here is what we will do: We will write a letter in my language... (starts writing)
Smart Arrow: But that is French. It is also a human language.
Turtle: No, it is not. It is the language of L.O.V.E, Living Organisms, Very Educated. That includes turtles. Some humans are forced to learn it as well.
ACT 5
(turtle sits in an apple garden)
Smart Arrow: I think your plan is too complicated.
Turtle: Shhh... Here comes a young female human.
Girl: Ahhh.... Disgusting... a turtle!
Turtle: Hi, I am Friday from Jupiter.
Girl: (horrified) It speaks!!!
Turtle: It?! Excuse me, young creature, but that is not very polite. But well, you'll have to do. I'm too old to go looking for a more appropriate human. Listen, you must read this book. Out loud. Now.
Girl: So you want me to read you a story?
Turtle: No, it's not like that. My civilization sent your civilization our most important theatre play. It is essential that you read it out loud right now! It is essential that your civilization knows it... (menacingly) before we arrive!
Girl: Ok, whatever. Here, have an apple. I'll read.
(sits on the grass and opens the book)
Girl: THE MYSTERIOUS PASSING OF ELMER, THE ONE EYED FISH
Characters:Turtle, Elmer, the one-eyed fish.....
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